Self-awareness… It’s necessary for sure and sometimes you have to bust your own bubble so here we are, lol. I’ve been eager to be in a relationship for the past few years. I gave myself time to heal from my fiancé and decided to dip in and out of dating but here I am still single 4 years later. At 39 that feels like a lifetime and most men ask why are you single and all I can say is you gotta ask God. What I don’t say is how much I miss being connected to someone; that I miss it so much I fantasize about what it feels like to be in a relationship with people I’m not even dating (one person really but don’t judge me🙃). My imagination makes the unknown magical which is fun until my go getterness makes me aggressive in real life and I turn the unknown into the what’s taking you so long to fulfill my fantasy God, move I’ll just do it myself and that is the opposite of fun. My faith is strong in so many areas, I mean I got enough I share it with other people yet it’s weak regarding my romantic future. I realized that’s ok but to change that I can’t act like that isn’t my truth or that it isn’t more to it… Yep, my fascination with a spouse is a distraction from needed personal development, whomp whomp.

I let projects and work that has nothing to do with my purpose distract me too. I’ll sign up for classes and read books about all kind of new careers instead of writing or doing my homework. Stuff that when I take a moment to think it thoroughly through I don’t even like. See I’ve changed a lot in the last few years, but I still attempt to hold on to some parts of me that I accidentally picked up along the way. The same energy I’m desperate to give a significant other is the energy I need to get to know myself, the current me.

What do I like, what do I really want, like how do I feel in the life I honestly want, not the easy one the one with all the actual things??? I don’t have the full answers so here is another messy blog post without strategy but with a new perspective. I know with God and a lot of honesty I’ll get the answers. I know I’ve decided to leave the daydreaming for my personal goals and let God figure out my spouse. I’ve also decided to consider myself whole while I’m growing, learning, and unlearning, it’s not something I must get to Jesus died for it so I’ma walk in it now. I know I’m done trying to “fix” people and I’m loving people exactly where they are because they deserve to be and because I deserve to be. I’m for sure not giving my phone number out to a soul I’m barely attracted to cause “I don’t want what God has for me to pass me by”, I’m not eating average food, buying the sale shoes over the full price ones or half stepping on my sleep knowing I’m a better person with a full eight hours, none of that. I’m gonna meditate and read my Bible more to hear God, journal to understand myself and go back to therapy. I pray you take the time to get to know yourself too. God Bless your journey and mine.💋 #SincerelyJam