Well, the anger is subsiding, lol, I’m on to the next stages of grief. My grandmother took her last breath 20 days ago and we buried her last week. She had dementia for a few years and was slowly getting worse, so I thought I’d be ready for her departure, but I was not. I cry every day. I’m crying as I type this because I’ll never be able to hold her hand again. I literally laid my head against the wall during much of the funeral cause what else is there to do. I collected articles from her over the years and every time I touch something the tears just fall. This is difficult.

A few years back all my emotions were brief. I allowed myself a day to get over every heartbreak; from emotional, to physical, at school, work, loved ones, getting over it was my focus no matter how heavy. I even suggested others only take a day to cry and after that lets start tucking anything less than happiness away. Thinking like that helped me survive but outside of survival mode I was lost. Since then, feelings have become my personal navigation system. They help me know when I’m safe, need to check myself, and understand my likes and dislikes; grief is on top of my dislike list.

Letting go is not easy for me. I love big! Over the past year I’ve learned how important it is to release things. Honestly God is in control over it all so thinking we have a say is silly. Holding on to things meant to float away only prolongs the necessary.

With the passing of friends, pets, and family, the leaving behind of friends and lovers we will feel pain, but pain is not permanent, it’s a process. The way I get through the process is to allow it to hurt for however long it hurts. That is not weak, it takes strength to heal instead of ignoring it. Plus, if you keep sweeping things under the rug, you’ll trip over that same hump one day; we gotta clean up. If I’m perfectly fine one moment and then not, I allow it and take the moment. Certain losses I need days to cry, random tears need to escape, and I allow those too. If tears are climbing out in good company let them but it’s no harm in stepping away to process. Often people seeing us express emotions, reminds them and ourselves we’re not robots. I also allow myself to laugh and be honest about all my emotions when they come. By no means do they take over my days, my emotions do not own me, I own them, but I listen to aide in how to manage myself. I most importantly remember that God has me throughout every single thing and when I can, I find a takeaway.

Allow God to move everything where it should go. Love doesn’t require a tight grip cause it’s love. I will never be able to hold my favorite human’s hand again, but I will forever hold her memory. Although extremely different the proximity change was necessary and missing her, anything or anyone is ok cause the love will never go away. #SincerelyJam