On My Mama
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They sounded so unappealing, like work and something that would hinder the free flowing, butterfly, lover of all things vibe I had going on. Plus, it was lots of stuff telling us to have boundaries but not much telling us how to get them or where to find them. If you grew up in a healthy home, you’re probably thinking it comes natural to everyone but unfortunately if you’re like me you had zero clue of what a boundary looked like. I didn’t get my first taste of boundaries until five years ago. Yep, for 35 years I lived unprotected in the world without borders. I had some guidelines for myself but not many for others because I was never taught healthy problem solving; I grew up in a home where you moved on from pain without blinking or talking or changing, lol, or even processing you just... moved on.
Luckily, I also grew up in church and my connection to God made me extremely forgiving so I wasn’t weighed down but like I always say if you keep sweeping things under the rug, one day you’ll trip over the hump in it. Forgiveness blessed me to not hold grudges or judge but picture that without boundaries. People ran amuck and I thought it was normal to just... move on. In 2017 I moved to my own apartment as a single person. I knew I needed distance from my norm but ya girl didn’t realize how chaotic her life had been until a little after this point. I finally had autonomy, but it still took some time to shake my old and start anew. Five years ago, I tripped over the junk under the rug. While cleaning it up I discovered my ex and my mother were a recurring threat that needed to be neutralized. For years I forgave them and would put them right back in the same utopian position they started with. In the name of forgiveness their slates were wiped clean, no trace of error, lol, no consequences. There is nothing biblical about that. God is peace, that was discord, and we can’t live a life full of love like that. When it’s noisy it's hard to hear God clearly or know yourself and our relationship with self inspires all our relationships so I’ma share with you how I started loving me and implementing boundaries.
1) Separate. Noise desensitizes us from our needs and boundaries need silence to ensure we’re keeping the right things out but still letting great things in. 2) Assess. What do you love, what makes you feel safe? What do you dislike but have been tolerating? What triggers you? What people, places or things make you hide or walk on eggshells? Who are you or who do you really wanna be? 3) Learn how to say no. No thank you is one of my favorite phrases. Once you assess and stuff isn’t adding up to who you want to be gracefully decline. 4) Practice forgiveness. Once you exercise your no more, you may feel like you’re being mean or letting people down. Some will resist your no because they’re so use to doing whatever they want but forgive yourself and them. This will allow you the grace to grow.
5) Keep growing! You’re gonna have to separate and assess multiple times because you will evolve. Your boundaries made room for you. Your definition of safe will change, let it. 6) Pray. Through all this stay connected to God. He keeps you empathetic, grounded, and joyful. You’ll need Him to prevent turning hard and cold. Boundaries aren’t something that keep you locked away and people from entering your fortress it’s to protect you from harm. You always want to let love in and give it out, safely. We’re here so people can feel the God in us. All of this has allowed me to be freely me cause I don’t have to question my environment, I’m safe to give, to play and love and laugh without concern. On My Mama, lol, boundaries is where it’s at. #SincerelyJam