I grieve different. Grief is about any type of loss, but major losses often feel like death. Being a Christian I do not doubt God on any day, yet grief is a painful process. I lost my favorite girl a couple of days ago. My grandmother is gone. I now have zero grandparents living. With all my grandparents we knew death was coming but this one hit way different. My last five years have been evolutionary. I healed from an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, depression, I’ve overcome a lifetime of shame and betrayal, I’ve forgiven myself for things I’ve done to me, and others and I’ve forgiven others for things done to me. I’ve discovered what boundaries are, left corporate America and I’ve watched my grandmother die. I think that was the difference. This process was not swift, so it was like holding your breath waiting to lose the strongest person you’ve ever known, not knowing how the heck to feel about it as dementia set further in and months go by. Not knowing if this hospital visit is the last time until it was the last time. In 2022 I am full of self-awareness and that can be bittersweet. It leaves my logic and emotions tangled like a broken necklace in the jewelry box, the one you must have patience with to undo or it will break but I’m so over having patience right now I feel like throwing the entire thing in the fucking trash.

I shared her death with a couple of friends, mostly for additional prayers cause saying hey my grandmother died is odd as hell. What the fuck can anybody do? I don’t even know what to do. I have no clue how to help my dad through this. I have no idea how to help my brother, cousins, or myself through this. All I can do is focus on not giving up my abstinence by sexing the pain away as this takes however long it takes for me to get to the other side. So, this post isn’t about a resolve. This post doesn’t have a pretty conclusion, this post is messy and in the middle of the guck because I grieve different. I’m simply putting the words down in hopes you grab a takeaway as I sort through it.

Previously, when someone passed, I wanted to be closer to people or jump into new projects and be busy but not in 2022; it makes me want to live a more precise life. I can honestly take or leave anything or anybody and that’s not saying my people don’t matter that’s simply saying God knows. I have no clue what I’m doing, lol, but God knows. He knows what, who and how we need people, places, and things therefore He makes room for it all and I am open cause cain’t nobody do it better than Him. He makes room for new jobs, for relationship proximities or expirations, for finances and peace. Lol, production at work this week was dark and God knew I needed the days before her death to rest and the days after too. God knows.

I used to say I handle death well, but I do not, I know God well. This year I lost two childhood friends suddenly, my dog just last month and my only take away is God knows. So, like Kendrick Lamar says “I hope you find some peace of mind in this lifetime” and in that process you tell people your truth. God gives us a testimony to share so I’m sharing. #SincerelyJam