Victory Lap
Keep your heart open. When you’re favored and walking in purpose the devil doesn’t like it. When I’m super focused stuff attempts to distract me and sometimes it works. I’m human, I am not invincible, but I know God is in control and I always look for a lesson in my storms so I’m surviving. Since February events have happened, unemployment ran out, I only had it for 3 months, lol, and it wasn’t even half my normal income. Projects I planned to work on were canceled, needed repairs on my apartment were denied, my car was broken into, a window broken, items stolen, and my car was vandalized. These are each separate events before and after my 40th birthday. I am currently in disagreement with the owners of where I lay my head and my main income is nonexistent. Most days I’m handling it well, my favorite thought is “I’ve been through worse, my ex-fiancé almost killed me, this is nothing!”, but some days this is a lot.
One day I fell on my knees sobbing and praying asking God what He wants me to do to get to the other side. I had people pray with me but often I’m not interested in talking to prevent me from speaking negatively about my life or speaking the wrong stuff about my situation. See I know God is working and I know He will make all this work for good but I’m not sure how long this will take, or which route He wants me to go and that is scary. The unknown is scary, going through hard things is scary, being single at 40 while doing hard things is scary, and finishing a memoir about the darkest moments of my life to share with the world is scary… so resting in God’s peace is easier said than done. With each event, I’ve gained more peace than the one before, well after the initial breakdown cause walking out of Target and seeing my car keyed the week after it was broken into hurt my feelings but less than 30 minutes later I was back cool. 😮💨
My therapist commended me on how calm I was handling it all and I realized staying on the course is the only thing I can do cause trying to predict the future doesn’t make sense anymore. I’m even finally ok with being single. Amid all of this, I realized all that wishing and hoping marriage happens today is for nothing. Where am I rushing to? I realized there will never ever be a time I am single again after I am married. I will forever be blessed to consider someone equally with myself, and I will forever be someone’s mother once I have kids. Those are beautiful things but not small things nor easy things, therefore I need to fully enjoy my life today for what it is today and at the right time, in God’s time, marriage will be here, and I will be prepared for that.
See I am designed for great things. I was created to be a wife and mother, to have a family that is an example for many of what a loving, devoted Christian marriage can be. These are facts therefore there isn’t a reason to worry about the when because I want to arrive fully equipped. The challenges I am facing are simply prerequisites for the big life I am destined for. I was abused from 9 years old to 34 by my mother and significant others. I’ve already conquered hard, scary things, and the compassion for people, the grace and kindness God blessed me to develop and distribute has built better relationships, impeccable understanding of humanity, and made me a superb communicator and writer. I am destined for what happens next. These trials are simply God mining for gold y’all, He needs us to testify. So, if or when you are faced with battles, when times are hard, and you haven’t any idea on what way to go please remember to stay the course. Get in your Bible, be encouraged, and focus on communion and prayer. You can do hard things; you just can’t do them without Jesus. Keep your heart open. Run your race and keep the pace that God set so He can get the glory. This thing is not our own, it is all His and everything works out for the greater good. #SincerelyJamara💛