Ugly

Let me tell y’all about the immaculate job I’m doing at not letting my emotions control me and still allowing myself to have emotions!!!

I’m not numb and I am proud! The past week I got hit with not pleasant news multiple times, topped off with food poisoning and the sudden passing of a friend I’ve had for over 30 years. I have cried numerous times and not properly managed my anger, yet I have still gotten up every day to handle things that cannot wait. I’ve aggressively communicated A LOT of profanity to a security guard who vindictively towed my car the week of Christmas and I’ve also silently contemplated extremely rude rebuttals to a variety of people. I also danced on my bed to Kirk Franklin’s Stomp, styled my hair every day this week, got my nails done, took myself to a pretty restaurant for lunch, bought some fresh flowers for the week and a new plant. This was not a good week and instead of ignoring my emotional injures I am actively taking care of my wounds.❤️‍🩹

This Is Humanity. I am full of emotions and experiencing humanity, yet I still love it here! Being human is complexed and to not let the ugliness win or allow our demons to overcome us we can’t pretend ugliness and demons don’t exist. Of course, not showing anger would be ideal but currently I feel best about displaying it where it’s at instead of running to my vices or holding it in and letting it out on an innocent bystander later. So… I’m repenting and leaning into God’s grace and mercy.

I understand the goal is to be Christlike and He had all the emotions, He was perfect, I am not, lol! Honestly, I’m not even sure what perfection looks like but I do know what making good decisions looks like, so I’m just leaning into that when I can too. I’m taking every single opportunity I get to choose kindness or gentleness, even if it’s just a glimpse or small gesture, because in those moments when our human experience does not allow us the privilege to choose light over dark, we need as many light references as possible to look back to and navigate with. That is how you remember on the wack days you are still a grand human, and this life is still a grand life.✨

 Do yourself a favor and make a list of activities, people or places that promote the light in you. Go there, do that, and spend time with. Forget being practical or reasonable, you don’t want those words on your headstone; be exuberant and joyful or any nice adjective, lol. When we intentionally transform our good days and interaction to great ones the bad won’t be as bad, I promise! #SincerelyJam💋