Born Tired
I am tired. Not as in I need sleep but weary. We all have flaws. I have tons of them so I work on them. Often. I fix some and get some more but when are others gonna fix theirs? I am tired of being the bigger person. Maybe I should stop caring, what y’all think? I’m not sure if it’s possible. I’m not sure if I even want to stop caring because I love humans, I just want what I put out given back to me way more often than it is. God has forced me to be still for a second and He is consistently putting relationships on my heart. Relationships with family, friends, loved ones, and people in general. As you know I LOVE love. I give it and give it because I never want my people to thirst for it, yet I have become parched.
My love language is tied between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. When someone needs me I show up. Even if they don’t need me I show up because I enjoy being supportive. I proactively check on people. I answer my phone, I call people back, lol, I even answer my phone to tell people I will call them back. Not perfect by any means but I’m for sure great because my people deserve great. I deserve great. I respect people, they have families, lives and nobody owes me a single thing. I work hard not to spill my stuff on other people and baby I got stuff. I work hard to not pick up other people’s spills either but sometimes their splashes touch me. Sometimes it stains. So during those times, I must ask myself why are there people close enough to stain me who don’t clean up their mess.
It is not easy having hard conversations, communicating, and clearing the air. It’s cool to have the courage to do that with others but it is imperative to have those heart to hearts with yourself. It is rough to understand people aren’t breaking your heart, you are. So if any of you have had to have the conversations I’m having to have. Or if you have not yet had them but need to. Be easy on yourself. You deserve great and you will get it once you require it.
It will feel so unnatural at first. To type to text to offer help and erase it, to not over-explain, to decline, and to say no thank you will make you cringe, but it is necessary. Now I’m not saying be mean. Please do all things with love. I’m simply learning and sharing all tasks we see are not ours to complete. If I’m busy doing someone else’s job when will I get to mine? How can you positively affect the lives of those who need you when you’re pouring into those that don’t receive it properly? Sometimes we aren’t even equipped for the task, hence the frustration when things don’t go as we think they should. Boxes and boundaries. Proper placement provides peace.
Plus God is the savior, Not I. Pray for everyone and everything. He heals relationships. He mends and separates. Let Him. Focus on Him. Allow Him to place people where they go. God can do the heavy lifting, Give It To Him. If we rest in Him, we shall not be weary. Life is easy but this human experience is not. Feelings are not. Please grant yourself grace and mercy. Grant others grace and mercy. Unlearn and then learn some new. Have patience and pray. You will not figure it out in a day but each day something will get figured out and that is what matters. Progress. Heading in the right direction. Be kind to yourself and require others to be kind to you too. #SincerelyJam
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