Optimistic

Have you ever been sucker punched before? Like unaware a fight was coming, and it came anyway? Zero preparation!?! Or do you remember May Boatwright in the Secret Life of Bees? Sophia Okonedo played the part in the film. She felt people’s pain so deeply that hearing about trauma would take, her, out. True empathy. Where is America’s empathy right now?

I grew up a fighter with little anger management. I would gladly take any fade, head up, one on one, back-to-back but jumping someone disgusted me. Currently, America is jumping us, and we cannot get a fair one. America has broken my heart multiple times this year and I still have personal heartbreaks I’m healing from, so it became a bit much. I know I’m not alone. How are you doing in all of this? Please take care of yourself. I value all aspects of my health but my mental health I protect it at all costs, so I tapped out.

When presented with a problem I immediately look for solutions and when I don’t have an answer, I must fight off feeling helpless and remember God is in control. It was the only way I was dealing with the pandemic. Then I watched a video of an officer kneeling on a black man’s neck for eight minutes and 46 seconds while he told him multiple times he could not breathe. The moment I watched it news had not broken about the incident therefore I didn’t know I was watching a man die until he was dead.

Black women are known to be strong. We know to keep going, don’t let them see you sweat and make it happen. As my emotional intelligence grows, I realize I am an entire human with an array of emotions, there is an attack on my people and that is huge. When my therapist advised I had depression it made sense and I was eager to recover but it is a process. I slept for at least a

month. I decluttered and disinfected. I requested a mentor from my minister, I paused dating and learned how to study my bible. I declined things that required more than I could give. I respected where I was in life, and I let my loved ones in. At first, I was going to go at this alone, I had a moment of being ashamed I struggled with a thing. This isn’t just a thing. This is our life with everyday problems in the midst of a global pandemic and a civil rights movement with inane political leadership. I wouldn’t make it by going at it alone, plus my tribe is my tribe for a reason.

These past months my friends have called to get me out of bed, to open windows, prayed for me when I couldn’t for myself, got me out of the house and with zero judgment. I allowed them to give what I’ve always given others. I replenished my cup and let me tell you I am full. I volunteer my time to those who need it and I have wanted for nothing. I tell you I am full, but I am not done. My dreams got bigger and closer.

I remembered God really has it in control. I go for walks and I’m as tan as ever. I feel more joy than I’ve felt in a very long time. I say all this to remind you to tap out when needed. Like a person who breaks a limb, you can not apply pressure until that limb heals enough. Pressure can make diamonds, but it also can destroy. Remember who you are. Remember WHOSE you are. Stay optimistic. You are important. Refill your cup. Please. #SincerelyJam